Jo's Journal

Orgasmic Love

Talks with some friends recently have me thinking about love and sex. Why some people have relationships that are polyamorous, some monogamous and why some people stray. Most of this is rambling and all over the place so please excuse my cluttered mind.

Let’s not talk about conventional family values, religion or society rules. Let’s just talk about the physical need or desire for those chemicals.  It takes away that instant need to judge someone, although I have some friends who just cannot help themselves and are actually unhappy unless they judge and ridicule others… a topic for another post.

Sometimes you can love someone very much, but there is no chemistry that gives you that euphoric feeling that we get when we are “in love”. You love your kids, friends and family in a way that doesn’t give you that spark and sometimes you can be with a partner who is ignorant to your needs or outright selfish or maybe together you just don’t spark.

If you look up the word Philematology, it is the science of kissing. Now I for one would love to volunteer for one of their studies.  I love to kiss. Kissing ROCKS! Some people have Philematophobia, a fear of kissing. Probably not someone who would want to take part in that study. Most couples I know don’t kiss enough or at all. Kissing alone creates a lot of chemical reactions.

When you are in love, you have the opportunity to release a lot of hormones. Adrenaline, Dopamine Serotonin, Oxytocin, Vasopressin and probably more.  The problem with that is that those same hormones are present during stimulation and orgasms with someone you are not in love with, maybe making you think you are because the hormone level is so intense that you love the rush. Like being doped up and you can’t wait for your next fix…

So if you are in the relationship that is monogamous and your partner is not able or willing to create those reactions with you, after awhile the loss of those hormones can lead to depression, a feeling of being unloved and unwanted. Maybe you do try to tell them this is how you feel, and they don’t take it seriously or they just procrastinate trying to make it work or learn how to make it work and then one day you are going about your business and going through the motions of this is it. This is forever.  I feel so unhappy and was I ever happy with this person? One night you grab a quickie and you think, well it isn’t that bad. Your body has made some hormones and you are feeling okay for a bit, then you start to slip back down and you start to think, why are you doing this? And people wonder how some couples break up and get back together so many times. From the outside it looks crazy; from the inside is it all chemical.  They have those sparks.

For some people, they go on antidepressants or use other substances to replace that feeling or numb it. I know people, girls as well as guys, who will masturbate several times a day just to have that feeling. It isn’t about the sex or orgasm either. It is about that need to be loved. To not be alone.  Yeah we all think about how nice it would be to be alone at times, but ask anyone who is on a full time basis and most of the time they will tell you how horrible it is.

I have been watching couples for a long time. A REALLY LONG time. I have seen so many fall apart, some stay together, many of them stray. I don’t want to say cheat. It isn’t like they are trying to cheat the person out of anything… It is that they are looking for something that they are missing, in most cases. I have met men who do like to cheat for the sake of a conquest and have not one bit of real love or affection in them.  That is why I like to refrain from using cheat when talking about “straying”.

A friend once asked me what was wrong with her. Why was she seeing someone else? How could she do this to her family? It wasn’t about what she was doing to her family, but what she was missing from her life. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t love, but it was hard to put into words and it is also hard to tell someone when they are in the moment of that “high” that it is exactly that. A moment of being high.

Do I think she loved her partner? Absolutely. No doubt in my mind. Do I think that he took it for granted? Like many guys, yes. He did. Men and women both need more than just sex.  As humans we can make do with it, but after awhile it becomes almost like taking a pill. Do the deed to get the high. Get that feeling of being loved, wanted, desired, in love, desiring another…

We have allowed pressure from outside sources to deny us the ability to nurture our basic instinct of pleasure and being able to pleasure each other. Our pride, religion, fear of <insert word here> keeps us from being able to be better lovers to the one we are with. We figure it is all good enough and then wake up one day in shock when our partner has looked elsewhere. Not even perhaps talking about intercourse, but even just companionship, talking or having lunch with someone who is creating that spark.

Some couples make it work by having an open marriage, but it won’t work unless both parties are agree to it and they both understand the chemical nature of it. Otherwise, they mistake the high for love and everything falls apart.

Sometimes lack of intimacy can go on so long that couples can’t even stand to try again so again they can make the polyamorous work because they really still want to be together as a couple. They enjoy each other’s company in all other aspects, and they are really able to separate that physical, chemical need from all else in their lives.

If you can talk and see what you both want and find a way to help each other get those needs met, you can build a really strong relationship, no matter what type of relationship you decide to have. If you take out the so called moral high ground and this insane notion that you own the other person, you may even find that you can be a better partner and their one and only partner, because at that moment. When you decide to let go, you are realize you cannot take them for granted and you can learn to be a better lover. You have to if you want to be their lover.

People. Men, women and children cannot live without love.  As we grow and our hormones become stronger and intense feelings are present don’t we owe it to ourselves and those we love to make sure that they are given the opportunity to feel good while we live out our lives? Emotionally and physically. This isn’t saying whore around or even be with someone else. I am saying take responsibility in your part if your partner did stray or if they are not happy.  Especially couples with kids, because that’s when it gets too easy because we all become so busy that we forgot to court our partner. You do not have to leave the house to do this. It is about your minute to minute actions. How you talk to your partner. How you touch your partner. If you make your partner feel equal, special and loved.

It isn’t about sex either. It is about making sure they get to those feelings with you so that they don’t have to turn to just sex to create them… because once they do, and they are doing it somewhere else, it will be very very hard for them to want to stop. Not because they don’t love you, but because it just feels so good on the other side, that any small act you do at this point will not have that same result so they may not see what you are doing.

If you talk and decide that even just one of you wants to remain monogamous, then you have to work at it. Just saying the word no isn’t enough.

Learn to hold hands, kiss, stroke, love, hug, listen, make eye contact, touch, touch some more, love, love some more, no judging and no giggling.