6 Years & Stuff
March 2nd, 2010 -- Posted in Journal | No Comments »It doesn’t seem like it, but wow it has been six years since I have have taken the big cocktail of horrible prescriptions. I never thought I could feel this good again. I don’t even say I am in remission anymore. I don’t even mention being sick to most people because I am not. There are no signs anywhere. Not even when they do my regular blood work. It really is like it never happened, almost.
I look out into my back yard and see the trees and plants that I have in memory of my lost babies. I had no idea that my body was such an evil place for them to try and grow in. I am thankful for the medications that I did take while I was pregnant with Ronnie to keep him safe and sound. It was hard being in bed for 40 weeks, but so worth it. I know when he was born going med free would be the right thing to do so I could breastfeed him for as long as I could, which turns out to still be ongoing.
I did have to make major diet changes and I still pound down a lot of herbs and vitamins, but again, how I feel now compared to then… stuck in a bed, some days not being able to move… the vomiting until my insides felt like there were coming out, all seems like a distant nightmare.
I am rambling right now. I am stressed a bit as I have worked so hard to change my health and someone I care about has jeopardized there’s to the point where it has had a major impact. There is no one I can talk to about it. I refuse to cry or be upset. I know I have to be the strong one, but it has always been my strongest feature. The little stuff pisses me off, but the big stuff I handle so well. The more horrible it is, the calmer I get.
I do have wonderful friends and I am fortunate for that, but there are some things I can’t talk about with anyone. Possibly a throw back from childhood being told to keep my mouth shut about certain things. No one is saying that now, it is just a little quiet voice in the back of my head.
My weight loss is steady. Things are going very well. I am still not comfortable in this body, my body. I am working on it.
This week I wore a dress. Since I gained weight I had stopped. It confused Ronnie so much he ran into my closet and pulled out a pair of jeans and said mama your bottom is naked. Hey dirty minds reading this… I was not naked. I had on undies and pantyhose.
I had a nice meeting with a couple of families this week. I found out today another family is in crisis and I will be doing one on one with them, well at least the mom for now. My heart is hurting for her. I know her personally and have for several years.
I am supposed to be working on Thursday nights for a state run program, but it was not for me. Some of the attitudes of the people who were running it were piss poor and I wanted no part of it. This is in relation to children who are abused. If I hadn’t of left, I would have found out this friend was court ordered to attend.
Today she wrote me to tell me and asked me for help. I love her for doing that. I love that she loves her children so much that she is asking for help. It must have been hard for her. In a world where there are so many who hurt their kids and will never say they are wrong because they have to be right… and because so many other people judge you on your mistakes instead of allowing you the freedom to admit them so you can be a better person, it is hard to seek help.
My old doc used to say I do this as an attempt to save my own inner child, but I know she will never be saved and I don’t expect her to be. I don’t try to and have no need to. She is the driving force that allows me to help others.
